At the end of a tumultuous week for the Toronto Raptors, in which they were seemingly buried and then clawed their way back into the Eastern Conference Finals, fans got some disturbing news. Guy Fieri is preparing an audacious bid to purchase the franchise and plans to move it to Flavourtown.
In a wide ranging and erratic press-conference Fieri was asked about the logistics of moving an entire NBA franchise to a fictional location. The Food Network star claimed that Flavourtown was, ‘a global brand which is known and loved all around the world’ and ‘an idea that transcends the dimensions of this mortal realm’. When pressed to give any specifics on the move Fieri became unresponsive, putting on his trademark sunglasses he began menacingly stuffing cloves of garlic into a whole pork shoulder. He continued to do this until reporters pursued other lines of questioning.
We did however learn that Fieri has some interesting ideas about the game day experience fans will receive at the new arena, which is to be named the FlavaDome.
- Drake will be removed as Global Ambassador and replaced by Steve Harwell, lead singer of Smash Mouth.
- Fieri himself will zip wire down to the court floor before every home game, accompanied by Smash Mouth’s smash hit ‘All Star’
- Ideally he will do this at away games too.
- Raptor’s beloved mascot ‘The Raptor’ will be replaced by a large foam replica of Fieri’s trademark frosted tips.
- All players and coaches will be encouraged to adopt Fieri’s ludicrous hairstyle, tattoos and accessories, such as studded wrist bands, however, will not be mandatory for the playing staff.
Fieri has aggressively denied claims from league commissioner Adam Silver that he is attempting to create a cult of personality, ‘on the scale of Stalin or Mao’, within the NBA. All he wants, he claims, is to move the Raptors out of the frozen north to a place where they can, ‘you know, hang out in Hawaiian shirts and cargo shorts’.
Fieri was asked by numerous journalists how deeply involved he would be in the day to day basketball operations of the franchise, the self proclaimed culinary rock star said he wasn’t sure but that he would be open to the idea of coaching the team in the future. Fieri seems to the believe that his technique for eating extremely large sandwiches, known as the hunch, has many transferable elements to the NBA.
The bizarre farcical press-conference ended with Fieri firing off unrelated catchphrases with reckless abandon, “SHUT THE FRONT DOOR” and “OFF THE HOOK” of course featured heavily, before he signed off to a stunned press room. ‘That’s all for this road trip, but I’ll be seeing you next time on Diners, Drive Ins and Dives”.
Questions about Fieri’s mental well being have begun to circulate.
It is expected that the league will block any attempt from Fieri to purchase the Toronto franchise. The Raptors have made basketball big in Canada and Silver won’t want to throw that away. But remember this is America, where the wishes of the rich and famous few are granted at the expense of the many. Soon Trump will be king of America, Fieri will be commissioner of the NBA, the state of California will be renamed Flavourtown and we will all be mesmerised by their terrible, big, blonde hair.